With dwindling access to fans on certain social media accounts, a staggeringly enormous and linear increase in overpopulation within multiple genres, insultingly low payouts from streaming services such as Spotify, and an influx of everyone and their mother becoming a Soundcloud producer, many bands and artists are finding it increasingly difficult to navigate to modern age. If you find or believe yourself to be fitting into the category of a directionless, daunted musician of either the most localized or national level, then you’ve come to the right place. We’ve conveniently compiled a Top 10 list of reasons as to why you’re not as successful as you should be, which, in turn, will guide you to the necessary steps to maintaining relevancy and finding soaring success in the modern, digital age.
Your Band is Not as Successful As it Should Be Because…
10. You don’t have flowing Ramen-noodle locks like Chad Kroeger
9. Your hit single can’t be made into a meme about graphs
[LOOK AT THIS GRAPPHHHHHH]
8. You can’t successfuly write songs about making love like animals
Honestly, don’t even bother trying. You’re done, son.
7. You weren’t married to Avril Lavigne for two years
Good news, fellas- Avril and Chad have recently separated.
Now’s your chance to bag yourself a pretty new bride and a one-way-ticket to fame!
6. You don’t have a drug dealer on speed-dial
C’mon, get on their level.
5. You weren’t named the Second-Worst Band of the ’90s by Rolling Stone
We’re not kidding. And neither is Rolling Stone.
4. Have you ever seen a Dark Horse?
[Neither have we, but word on the street is that Katy Perry’s comin’ atcha like one.]
3. You don’t have a rival pickle page that got more likes than you on Facebook in a matter of weeks.
[See also: http://www.theguardian.com/music/2010/feb/24/nickelback-popularity-contest-pickle]
2. You weren’t awarded the “Douche Bag of the Year” by the Guardian in 2008
Basically, if you’re not everyone’s favorite douchey meme subject, then I don’t care about you.
But, most importantly, the main reason why your band isn’t as successful as it should be is simply because…
1. You are not Nickelback